Some Days

Every mom knows that some days are harder than others. On some days, everyone wakes up at a reasonable hour, everyone is reasonably happy, breakfast goes smoothly, the kids play together, and so on up until bedtime. Everything goes great. These days I feel like supermom. I think I'm a good mom. I go to bed thinking about my children's day and their needs.

Then there are the other days or the days mixed with not so much 'reasonableness'. After these days I go to bed feeling guilty. I think of all the ways I can and should be a better mom. I hate that I take out my own bad moods on my kids. Or that one child can upset me to a degree that I take it out on the others. I try not to do this.

Is there anything that can melt your heart more or make you feel even worse than a child who understands? It isn't because she is the oldest either, but Hadley gets it. I won't get into the ugly details but after telling her I would read her library book tonight everything became unraveled when Vincent stayed awake in his tantrum personality. It wasn't pretty. How I acted wasn't pretty either. I tried with all of my might to just hold him even though I was frustrated. I knew that when I went to bed tonight that is what I would think about and wish I had done, so I did it. It didn't help him, but it will help me go to bed tonight.

Hadley got shafted. What started out as a promising evening became a short one in which she had an early bedtime. In my head I know it is okay because she was tired and needed to go to sleep but in my heart I really want to go and wake her up just to read her the story that I promised. She gets me though. She knows when I am losing my patience and tries her best to help me. I hate that I place that burden or that she feels that burden on her little 4-year old shoulders.

So tonight I'll think about how when she wakes in the morning I will read to her first. I'll remember that I held Vincent tonight even after being upset with him. I have a feeling that someday we'll argue and go our separate ways and I won't have a chance to console or hold my little ones just to let them know that I love them unconditionally. I didn't give in to him but I did hold him and let him know it is okay to be upset with me, I'll hold him anyhow. Here's to a better tomorrow . . .