Here I Am!

"Here I am!" This is the phrase Lauren uses whenever she finds something, is pointing out where something is or is asked where she is. It can be translated to mean: 'Here it is', 'there it is', or 'I found it'. Very cute.

Christmastime

I almost thought Christmastime couldn't get any better - but it does, with kids! I love trying to create the same magical Christmas feeling that I grew up with and yet it is still hard with an infant and Chris working so much. I just know that each year it will get easier and easier and that I don't recall any specific traditions that my mom did with me as much as just the overall season. Obviously having a Christmas tree set up in the living room helps but what I'd like more is to reach out to others and really have the kids feel the Spirit more wholly throughout the season. I guess as long as it is still a magical and reverent holiday for me, I can continue to instill those feelings in my kids with my own enthusiasm for it.

We are doing an advent calendar this year that helps us to read parts of the Christmas story from the New Testament. Each day we've also tried to do a fun activity like:
Wait for Santa (the local police dept.)
Write letters to Santa
Bake a tree cake and decorate it
Play the present game (find and give things to one another and practice thanking them)
Taking a walk to see Christmas lights
Going to gmas' house for activities
Make crafts
Being peacemakers
Watching a Christmas movie together
Unwrapping/reading Christmas books

It makes me so sad that Chris can't be more a part of our holiday season and I hope the kids are not lacking because of it. Fortunately it is easy for me to be excited about the season and everything it entails.

Huh?

An exchange between Chris and Hadley:

Last night when I was spending one-on-one time with Hadley, I asked her where she would want to go or what she wanted to do if there was a day when she and I could go do something together. Without hesitating, she responded and said she would love to go to Egypt and go inside the pyramids and we could see zombies. I was like, yeah, that would be cool. What I was thinking was, "I was hoping for something more local."

Gentry's Baby Blessing

notes from daddy:

Sunday November 8th, 2009

Gentry, we bless you with health and happiness. We bless you to continue growing and developing and that you will develop into a person of discernment, that you will be able to recognize those things that bring eternal happiness and pursue those things. We bless you to appreciate the simple joys of life and that you will be humble and patient. We bless you to have faith and courage as you confront life's challenges and with a desire to serve others. We bless you with the attributes of cheerfulness, gratitude and grace. We bless you to gain knowledge, to receive the gospel ordinances and that you will have an opportunity to raise an eternal family.

other notes taken:

Have health & happiness
Appreciate the small things
Be humble & patient
Have faith & courage, cheerfulness & gratitude, grace & knowledge
Make decisions that will keep you worthy of gospel ordinances

Nighttime

Last night I got to cuddle/hold three of my little kiddos in bed. It was so cozy and comfortable. Gentry was down for the night after I rocked her to sleep while reading stories from the Bible. Then Hadley, Vincent, Lauren and I piled into their new bed (Gma and Gpa Landmeier's wedding set) and cuddled. I sang Christmas songs to them, then hummed them as I watched all three of them fade away into childhood dreams. Some nights I am frustrated and strict with bedtimes but other nights I love enjoying the fact that four of us can all fit in one bed.

Someday my kids will not need kisses or want to cuddle as they drift off to sleep. I am grateful that, for now, they still want and need me close. I hope I am helping to create fond memories for them as well as myself. I'm not sure I can remember a time that my parents cuddled with me. I remember going into their bed at times and them making a space in between them. And I remember my mom tucking the blankets tightly around my entire body to make me 'roasty toasty'.

It was a good night and I hope to cherish these memories all the days I live.

Looking Forward

As much as I am trying to live in the moment with my kids and enjoy the stages they are in, there are some things I am looking forward to with all four kids or that I imagine us doing together:

1) Disneyland trips! No question these will be great fun when we only have to take one stroller or even, no stroller. Can't wait for to all enjoy fun theme parks and the rides together on a regular basis.

2) Going to the library when all of the kids can read or just to do homework so I can sit and read too or read to the youngest ones without trying to keep a baby quiet or close by.

3) Cuddling in our bed in the morning or at night all together.

4) Having family movie nights on the living room floor.

5) Going for walks or being around the house and not having to carry a baby. Not pushing a stroller.

P.S. I know Chris is excited to take the kids on skiing vacations and going water skiing.

Perspective

One day when Gentry was a few weeks old I needed a dose of perspective on having a newborn in the house with older children. I sought help and got these emails back and have frequently referred to them on occasion. I thought it'd be good to have to remember some of the struggles of this stage.

Today I need a dose of healthy perspective: forgive me for the long email.> >

Whenever I go to younger people's weddings I sit and think, 'boy what i wish I would have known or taken advantage of during that stage in my life." Now, after more than one baby, I think, "what I wish I'd known and taken advantage of when I just have one baby to take care of and hold all day." Quite frankly, I should have enjoyed every stage more. Everytime I have a new baby I start wondering what I am supposed to be enjoying about this stage in addition to having so many other small ones around the house. > >

I asked one of my good friends this and what she wished she'd taken advantage of more when she had little ones and she admitted, 'nothing - there isn't a lot of good stuff where I'm at right now.' She loved to get kids in school and find a routine and can't wait to go back to work.> >

But in my ever waking moments (more than I can stand) I figure there must be something I should enjoy. I really don't want to look back and regret things I should have enjoyed. I figure you all are my best sources b/c you have multiple children that are grown. What do you miss about my stage? Feel free to admit if there isn't anything b/c an honest opinion is helpful too.> >

Thanks> >

Raena> >

P.S. only 1 of 3 of my kids who still need naps are taking one today - (the newborn being the 1) so the other two are begging for a lollipop and making a mess of the popcorn that, yes, we had for lunch today!


Raena,

So, I've been thinking about this for a few days. I was given a blessing at one time that instructed me to live day to day. Do not try to live tomorrow, just do your very best today. Not that this instruction is for everyone, but it helped me focus on the here and now and on the things I had control over. I sincerely try to live each day with no regrets at the end of day. Granted, I am not perfect at this, and many times wake during the night with fear and anxiety of things to improve on. So, my focus is on the here and now. Time passes too quickly all by itself, needless to say wishing it to pass, or phases to pass, faster is only allowing for regret. Write in your journal daily, which I am not great at, but it helps. Live each day fully, enjoy all that life offers (even the bad), live with no regrets, and lastly take care to your task of eternity. Teaching and raising children is eternal- my fear in wishing stages to pass is that we miss the lessons that are for us, not them. You are a loving mother, don't beat yourself up, but live as if you had only a little time with them, because in perspective we do.

Raena, I do not mean to be preachy nor to make myself sound great at this. I had a lady once tell me to let my dishes go and play a little more---but dishes do need to get done and children need to learn to entertain themselves at times. Be your best and laugh at the rest! And pray!!!

As far as what I miss about mine being little--their innocence, their earnest hearts, their sincerity, their little world full of stuff to learn, things to touch, emotions to feel, all of that stuff. It is great to see them become independent, and we want them to become such, but it is nice to control their world and the influences of good on them. I think you'll find Gentry will grow faster than you remember Hadley growing. It is a trick time plays on us. Devor and Ammon, I feel, have grown so fast that I have missed some things, like I have no idea when Devor got all of his teeth.

Alas, this is your place in life, and though you don't thoroughly enjoy it, you do have control over making the most of it. President Eyring said that if you want to see God's hand in your life, write in your journal everyday. I think that goes for seeing the joy of motherhood. Pause for moments and laugh and play and get muddy and wrestle. They love you and need to know home is happy and where they can always come when life inevitably beats them up. I have some regrets, such as, reacting to things with frustration instead of pausing to gain composure (my kids react a bit now and I wish I had taught them differently). I wish I had never spoken to them in anger. This one sounds crazy, but you know how mom talks about "teaching moments", well I wish I wasn't so worried about missing them, because sometimes it is just better to be fun than preachy. I still love hugging my kids, but it is less often, and my boys pull away quicker. I miss the hugs and just sitting and reading books, or walktalks, or just a call for help (from Jaron and Rinne). Oh bother, now I am getting emotional, so I will let this go. I love you--

Kali


Hi Raena,

It was fun to see your family over the weekend. I'm glad the kids will have lots of memories of playing with their cousins. Here's the email I started--it was nice to think about the baby stage...

I wish we lived closer. I'd love to have Landon and Vincent entertain each other in ways that only boys find interesting or amusing. Somehow Moms don't come programmed to enjoy all the rough and tumble and sports and bodily sounds and so on.

What do I miss about your stage? Holding a sleeping baby and me dozing off because I feel so comfortable and warm. My naps never lasted long because the other kids always needed something. But I'll never regret skipping the housework to hold my babies. I also thoroughly enjoyed the silly way kids say and do things when they are so little. Tickling and simple games lasted forever because the kids wanted to keep it going. I loved watching the kids entertain themselves for hours with a funnel and measuring cup and water in the sink. I tried to record these occasions in our journals, and the kids love reading through them often. One other thing I miss is sitting with the kids on my lap and reading together--I think I mostly miss the kids being little and cuddly. Landon and I still cuddle a lot, and the other kids like to lean on my shoulder, but they're just not small anymore.

Each stage comes with the good and the bad. Fortunately, the first things I remember are the positive things.

I just have to say that I admire how much you are in the moment with your kids. Yes, a newborn throws things off for a while, but your kids will fondly remember water balloons, slip and slides, Popsicles, helping Mom cook, Disneyland, etc.

Sharon

Shopping Trip

Just in case any of you kiddos ever wonder if we ever went out - yes, we did, a lot. Before Hadley started school we used to do this quite often. Today, Hadley was home sick so I decided for old times sake we should do it again. I take all four of you to Wal-mart and then to a small mall that is connected to it. Lauren in the cart, Gentry in the sling and Hadley and Vincent walking alongside. It is crazy and very hectic but I gotta say that I love how well-behaved these outings require you all to be. And you are. I've seen other kids or talked to other moms about how they wouldn't dare taking their two children out to run errands. But you are all so good and well-behaved. What could be considered bribery is really just a reward for your behavior. Sure it was complicated today with Gentry screaming and me feeding her while pushing the cart with one hand (my arm still hurts) but it was fun to have everyone together again like it used to be before school started. I missed having you all with me! Thank you for being such good children for running errands. Maybe one of these days we'll all go to Disneyland again. Believe it or not, we did that too before Gentry was born. I would take you three little ones and nurse Lauren at intervals.

Helping Hands

Whenever I pick Vincent up from nursery each week, the teachers comment on what a terrific helper he was. EVERY week they say this. Funny, b/c at home he is only a helper if he decides to be one. It does help that he is one of the oldest kids in nursery. The rest of children seem like babies compared to him.

Today was Lauren's first day in nursery in our regular ward. She's gone to Upland's ward but it has a tiny nursery of about 3 kids so it was different with about 18 kids. She went in fine however, like we expected her to. She loved all the different toys. She is our first child to willingly go into nursery without really turning back. It might help that she has her brother in there as well.

So today when I went to pick Vincent and Lauren up from nursery I got the same reaction from the teachers - what great helpers they are. I was a bit early so they were still cleaning everything up but when I looked closer there were Vincent and Lauren wiping down the tables with a wet wipe. The rest of the kids were playing with the big toys and my little ones were cleaning up.

I've concluded one of two things: either they just really do like to clean and help or this is all they see me doing all day and are just emulating me. I'm not quite sure this is what I want my kids to take after me. Well, not the only thing. Tomorrow's to-do list will have snuggling and laughing on it for them.

Babes

All of the kids have had distinctly different personalities as babies. Here's hoping to capture or remember some of the similarities and differences:

Hadley LOVED to swing. I mean LOOOOVED it. From day one. In fact, up until she was way too old to be in infant swings she still wanted to do it. She slept in the swing, watched Baby Einstein in the swing, just sat and enjoyed the view while in the swing, anything was great while she swung. Neither Vincent or Lauren much cared for the swing and it appears as though Gentry appears to be following in their lead which is quite bothersome to me. I do however have a theory -

Vincent, Lauren and Gentry sleep on their tummy, not on their back like Hadley did. This is always very stressful for me and I remember hoping that Gentry would not sleep on her tummy like the last two b/c all the literature and pediatricians today will tell you, no insist that you put babies on their back due to SIDS. I slept next to Vincent for the first three months because it made me so nervous. Then I would go to bed worrying about them. I got a little bit more used to it with Lauren, but it still makes me nervous.

Hadley loves a pacifier. Vincent and Lauren like their thumbs and blankies.

A lot of people refuse to sleep with their babies or share their bed with them but looking back, Chris and I both agree it was the best thing we ever did with Hadley. She was such a cuddler when she was in bed with us. It got us over the nighttime feeding hump, and she would always know it was time to go to sleep with us. Of course this wasn't as ideal when she was supposed to sleep on her own or without us but I wouldn't trade all the cuddling with my first child for the world.

Vincent never really liked sleeping or being near anyone when it was time to sleep. In fact, I remember when I discovered that his newborn crankiness was just a need to sleep. By himself. In his own space. If we were desperate we could bring him in our bed and ignore him as much as possible until he would peter-out and fall asleep.

Lauren does not cuddle. At all. She likes her crib. She rarely, if ever, will fall asleep with us. I admit she never had as many opportunities to cuddle with us but even now she will jump and play around in our bed when we try to get her to sleep.

The word that would best describe Hadley as an infant is Content. She was the most content, happy, easy baby ever. I of course only know this now after having subsequent children. She was soooo easy to appease and rarely cranky.

I nursed (am nursing) all of you. Hadley was the hardest b/c she was my first but I have to admit, it didn't get much better with the rest. I just knew what to expect. Latching on was a problem as was getting thrush with Hadley, Vincent and possible Gentry. Lauren was probably the easiest one to grasp breastfeeding and became the most portable. I've never been great at breastfeeding with one arm or being mobile but I remember with Lauren, that I could get up and walk around if necessary. Hadley self-weened about two weeks before her first birthday. I weened Vincent at about 14 months because I was pregnant. I also weened Lauren at about 16 months because I was pregnant.

Vincent was the opposite of Hadley. I remember how crabby he would be after waking up from naps, before being put down and often in between time. I struggled with finding what would appease him most of the time.

Lauren was less difficult than Vincent.

So far, Gentry is most like Lauren.

Hadley never crawled on her knees but used her hands and feet instead. Vincent did the army crawl on his tummy. I'm realizing that I can't remember about Lauren so my guess is she was the first one to crawl the ordinary way. Now I am glad to be writing more of this down . . .

Ages & Stages

Hadley 5 years - Still really sweet as can be . . . most of the time. Since starting Kindergarten I've noticed her confidence level has increased along with a little bit of, dare I say, attitude. She really still is such a help to me and I miss her being gone during the day. Not only is she more willing to help out and pitch in but she is such a great imaginative playmate for Vincent. I wish I could give her so much more of my undivided attention and read great books and stories with her. Fortunately, Hadley is extremely patient and understanding that I am stretched thin right now.

Vincent 3 and a half - Vincent is a lover of all things sport. He will watch any sport he can find on television but is current favorites are baseball and golf. He loves to play catch or hit the ball. I've tried my best to find time to play outside with him each day. He can still be very sweet and nurturing. I love when he asks to hold Gentry and caresses her hair.

Lauren 1 and a half - Lauren is a little firecracker who thinks she is indestructible. She copies everything little thing her older siblings do. She enjoys jumping off of furniture like them but lands in a big plop every time. Her favorite words are no, yes, and a deep throaty geh-guh for Gentry. She also loves to hold the baby and points to her nose, eyes and mouth. She is helpful and will always find the baby's blanket when needed. Lauren loves shoes more than anything. We should have known something was odd when she used to always lick the bottoms of a certain pair of Vincent's shoes. Now she just carries shoes around, wears any shoes she can find or brings you your shoes and insists you put them on or she'll have a tantrum.

Gentry 5 weeks - Gentry is starting to chunk out. Something I only remember Lauren doing as well but not quite this early. Maybe it is because she is my fourth but I notice the changes she makes more than I remember the other children. So far we've discovered that: she likes sleeping on her back and she HATES the car seat!

self-titled

and it came to pass . . . and it came to pass . . . and it came to pass. need to keep reminding myself of this with a newborn in the house. keep wondering if i'll ever really miss this stage? this too shall pass . . . just hurry please.

Kindergarten

Today Hadley started Kindergarten. Has it finally come to this day? I've always loved the beginning of school when I was younger. I loved the Fall season approaching and back-to-school sales. I imagined today that someday Hadley would one day be leaving home to go to college for the first day of school. I am so confident in her abilities to achieve so much.

I managed not to cry even though I so desperately wanted to. I knew that I would scare Hadley more if I cried or acted anxious so my approach has always been to be very matter-of-fact about school if not excited. I could sense her apprehensions a couple of times as we waited outside for the teacher to let us in the classroom but all in all, I think she was prepared for today to happen.

When I picked Hadley up from school, I wish I could say she ran to me with open arms and a smile with excitement about what they did. But she was very nonchalant and when I gave her a hug and asked how it went her only reply was disappointment that they didn't learn anything (as I had promised) but it was all 'rules rules rules.' And that was it. She didn't want to discuss anything else or talk anymore about her day.

We'll see what tomorrow brings . . .

The night before Chris gave Hadley a beautiful Father's blessing about all the good she can do and the example she can be to others. This is so true of Hadley. She is such a sweet spirit that I miss during the day when she is not around. She entertains her siblings, plays with them and helps me take care of them. My only hope is that school does not spoil her character but strengthens it.

Implosion

Ever felt like you might implode? That is what it feels like to be on the verge of moving to a new house, having a baby, oldest child starting school, oh, and all the while, being pregnant with a bad haircut. All of this is happening within the next three weeks. The reason I feel like I might implode versus explode is because I am on my own in the sense that people can and have offered to help but really, only I can unpack myself or know where to put my things, I have to have the baby myself (especially that darn IV), I am the one that has to juggle the emotions of Kindergarten. I'm trying to take it day by day and not get stressed and actually think that I've done a pretty good job at it. I know that stressing or having anxiety will not help me. My kids have forced me to slow down and just accept that it may take a loooong time to unpack. We'll survive and look back on this period with a sigh of relief.

Thank you everyone for you kind offers of help and sympathy. Know that I appreciate it all. Honestly, the best thing I need is for stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut to be left on my doorstep with a liter of Root Beer.

A Perfect Summer Evening

I try not to feel sorry for myself and my kids that they don't get to spend a lot of time with Chris b/c of his long work hours. Last weekend the kids were so clingy to him - they only wanted him to hold, help, play with them and even tuck them in at night. Part of me felt a little relief from my usual chores but it also made me realize how much they need and want him to be a part of their lives. I appreciate that he tries to spend their waking hours with them.

I use all of this to share a wonderful evening I had with the kids. We went to dinner outside at the Beach Pit BBQ where they could eat, drink fizzy and then play in the little patio area. They always play so nicely and tonight was no exception. Then we decided to go for a walk in downtown Tustin. Just me and my three little ones. They are so good and always hold hands to cross parking lots and wait up for me and Lauren. We went through a little strip mall center by Hadley's old ballet class and explored a cute little office park nestled amongst trestles and gazebos. It was an early summer evening and the kids had a blast walking around and finding new paths and a water feature.

On the way back we passed the ballet studio again where they had opened big sidewalk doors to let in the breeze. Hadley and Vincent stopped to look in and when Lauren heard the ballet music come on she immediately started imitating the dancers and intently stared at them. It was so magical to stand there and watch the three of them mesmerized by the ballet dancers while this beautiful ballet music set the tone for the evening. I love evenings like this. We had so much fun all together - I'm sad that Chris misses out on these and yet somehow I think these are the kind of the experiences that mothers like me get to experience every once in a while to make up for the lack of having 'daddy' there most of the time.

We drove home and went upstairs and put on our pajamas on my bed and all watched a nature show and played around. The kids were in great moods and just enjoyed relaxing all together. There was some giggling, playful wrestling and zlurburts for everyone.

Even Smeven

I love to see my children get excited for one another. I learned this strategy from my sister Kali and her two oldest children. When Kali shopped or found something another child would like she would point it out to the one with her and they would get excited. Kids need to know that everything is not equitable. Sometimes you find the perfect item at a garage sale for one child and not the other. Sometimes you get something, sometimes you don't. Life does not have to be fair - and neither does mom for that matter. But you can make your children hardly notice and look out for one another. It also helps teach your kids to share since you don't have identical items all the time. Hadley and Vincent know that if one gets a new toy, they can be excited because they know they'll get to play with it as well.

I love when my kids see something that their sibling would like and point it out to me. (Even if they beg to get it for them.) Love it. On the other hand, and this happens, I hate when I buy something for one child and the other asks what they get. I realize this is natural but I am also glad that I learned to look for opportunities to teach that life is not all about 'getting'. Imagine all the junk/clutter you would accrue by always trying to make things equal? Let's face it, we all know those type of people who are still keeping track of what they get or don't get versus others. We also know people who are genuinely excited for others' windfalls. I think the first place you can teach this is among siblings.

Some Days

Every mom knows that some days are harder than others. On some days, everyone wakes up at a reasonable hour, everyone is reasonably happy, breakfast goes smoothly, the kids play together, and so on up until bedtime. Everything goes great. These days I feel like supermom. I think I'm a good mom. I go to bed thinking about my children's day and their needs.

Then there are the other days or the days mixed with not so much 'reasonableness'. After these days I go to bed feeling guilty. I think of all the ways I can and should be a better mom. I hate that I take out my own bad moods on my kids. Or that one child can upset me to a degree that I take it out on the others. I try not to do this.

Is there anything that can melt your heart more or make you feel even worse than a child who understands? It isn't because she is the oldest either, but Hadley gets it. I won't get into the ugly details but after telling her I would read her library book tonight everything became unraveled when Vincent stayed awake in his tantrum personality. It wasn't pretty. How I acted wasn't pretty either. I tried with all of my might to just hold him even though I was frustrated. I knew that when I went to bed tonight that is what I would think about and wish I had done, so I did it. It didn't help him, but it will help me go to bed tonight.

Hadley got shafted. What started out as a promising evening became a short one in which she had an early bedtime. In my head I know it is okay because she was tired and needed to go to sleep but in my heart I really want to go and wake her up just to read her the story that I promised. She gets me though. She knows when I am losing my patience and tries her best to help me. I hate that I place that burden or that she feels that burden on her little 4-year old shoulders.

So tonight I'll think about how when she wakes in the morning I will read to her first. I'll remember that I held Vincent tonight even after being upset with him. I have a feeling that someday we'll argue and go our separate ways and I won't have a chance to console or hold my little ones just to let them know that I love them unconditionally. I didn't give in to him but I did hold him and let him know it is okay to be upset with me, I'll hold him anyhow. Here's to a better tomorrow . . .

Another Milestone

Literally as I began to type this entry I heard water trickle in the bathroom. I looked through the crack from the office doorway and saw it was Vincent. Another accident. Two in one day. What I was going to say was . . .

Yay! Vincent is potty-trained. Well, for the most part obviously. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be with him even though he is 2 months past his 3rd birthday. (For records sake - Hadley was trained about a month or so before she turned 3). I guess once I just kept him occupied enough and refused to put anything but underwear on - it worked. We practiced several times before so he knew what to do. I may be celebrating too early but I am so pleased with the ease in transition this has been b/c I dreaded it so much with him and his personality. I'm not even going to worry about nighttime dryness especially considering he still goes to bed with a bottle of milk - I know, I know, so sue me.

So here's to a break from having two babes in diapers for about a month and a half until #4 comes along. While diapers have never bothered me a ton I do feel a sense of financial freedom and even more so, love to see my kids' growing independence. Do mom's ever miss the diaper stage among all the other stages? When their kids don't need them anymore, do they wish for one day they could change their diapers again? I highly doubt it.

Dr. Jekyl & Mr. Hyde

Vincent can be a very sweet, sensitive, fun-loving child or he can be the most frustrating, crabby, loud, uncooperative child. He was not my easiest baby. We found out early on that the only and best way to appease his little 'tormented soul' was to put him in his crib (on his tummy) to sleep. He just wanted/needed to be left alone. I have difficulty in deciphering where he gets these bi-polar personalities because he can also be very sweet and nice and fun to spend time with. I am glad that he is happy and smiling some of the time - whereas he was never a very smiley baby. Maybe that is why I appease him with a bottle, his blankey, anything so that he won't crab or cry on a daily basis. Even potty-training is being put off until I can figure out his rationale or reasoning skills. I guess I just keep wondering when or if he will grow out of his crabby, easily frustrated personality but I should just be glad that he isn't that way all of the time. What if he grew out of his sweet, fun-loving personality?

Growing Pains

I miss my kids when they are away from me. In fact, I find it difficult to do some of my regular errands when one of my kids is not with us. I have slowly been getting accustomed to doing things without Hadley while she is at a play date. I don't think many people appreciate or can really understand how much I do with all three of the little ones. While it is fun to do a special outing with just one of the kids every once in a while, I'm more afraid about how one of them would feel if they knew what they were missing out on. Today was one of Hadley's many play dates and whenever I drop her off, Vincent asks when he'll get to do play dates. Then I took Vincent and Lauren to the mall where there is a play land that, quite frankly, Hadley is almost too big for, and a little train engine for them to ride. I loved watching them both ride around in it together but I always feel like I am missing a small part of myself when one of my kids isn't with me. I wonder if people assume those are all the kids I have. I worry that they miss out on seeing my entire brood and knowing what a special spirit Hadley is. I wonder if this is how mothers who lose a child feel all the time - in every thing they do, even when their entire earthly family is together.

Obviously I will need to get over this and have started to do so. When we came home, we had lunch and cooked together and I even read to Vincent all alone while Lauren was sleeping. Usually I reserve the time for when I can 'kill two birds with one stone' and read to both of them. But on days like this I try and give Vincent 'only child' or 'first child' attention knowing he will never have the one-on-one that Hadley had with me when she was born.

I miss that I am losing Hadley to other distractions that aren't centered around me and her siblings. I miss that she prefers her play dates over spending time with us, even though I know this is healthy and was inevitable. But I love when she comes home and is happy to be back and I can give her a big hug and tell her I missed her.

School Woes

I've been telling Hadley all week that we were going to go and sign her up for Kindergarten. She is usually fairly ambivalent towards the whole issue. This morning I reminded her and Vincent that we were going to the school to sign Hadley up and then we'd go to the park. Poor little Vincey teared up and was sincerely crying that he didn't want to "drop Hadley off at school." I asked him why and he cried, "I will miss her." He kept repeating this over and over while crying, not crabbing (there is a big difference with Vincent.) It even made me tear up how much he loves his big sister and playing with her. Hadley proceeded to comfort him and tell him it was okay and that she'd come home every day. I told him he'd be the oldest one at home while she was gone and he'd have Lauren and the new baby to play with.

I'm telling you, Vincent and Hadley play wonderfully together. The other day we stayed at the park for 2 and 1/2 hours because they were playing so contentedly with one another and another little girl and Hadley's Care Bear. It was so fun to watch them. Oh for every mother to have so playful siblings!

Mealtime

I am excited to report that we have started to turn a corner on our eating habits. Tonight Hadley had more than one bite of lettuce (salad), ate two servings of mashed potatoes, two servings of pasta and two-and-a-half hard boiled eggs - with 'fairy dust' (aka salt) on them. Vincent at just as much except for the salad but did have a 'no thank you' bite of it. Perhaps more importantly, I sat down with them and ate a plate of it all with them and we talked and joked about random things. Afterwards I cleaned the kitchen while they cleaned the living room from toys so we could have ice cream for dessert!

This is so exciting because it relieves me from so many of the stresses of meal-time that I used to experience (and still do). However, like I said, we are just starting to turn a corner. We've done this several times over the past couple weeks and I am finally starting to get it. Every time I sit down and eat a balanced meal with the kids and have conversations with them - I get it. This is what Chris is missing out on. This is what meal-time is about. Not just force feeding your kids something so that their tummies aren't empty. So what if the kitchen is a huge mess, if you end up throwing away food or 'no-thank-you bites', I am finally introducing them to new foods. I only have three more months to get them eating anything and everything before the new baby comes. That is an ambitious goal.

Hadley's Birth Story

On the evening of Monday, August 16th 2004, Chris and I left for the hospital to begin induction. We got off to a late start and still needed to get dinner and I had yet to pack a few things even though I’d known for the last week that I was going to be induced. You were due somewhere around August 4th or 5th but must have been quite comfortable inside of me because you decided you were definitely not going to come on your own. For the last two weeks, I anxiously awaited my doctor appointments to find out how much I was dilated or effaced and, for the last two weeks, I was hardly dilated to a 1 and about 70% effaced. I remember Dr. Edwards felt that an induction would be long and drawn out because of how little progress I was making. But at my last appointment he decided that you were becoming too long overdue and I should be induced. After having a quick bite to eat at the IHOP across the street from the hospital in Santa Monica, Chris and I anxiously made our walk over to the hospital, bag and pillow in hand. I checked in at about 8:00 pm.

My pregnancy had been relatively easy I think. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I made a conscious decision that it would be easy and I would try to avoid complaining too much, feeling that would only compound any negative feelings. Plus, I didn’t want to be a burden on Chris who would eventually be studying for the California Bar Exam towards the end of the pregnancy. And it worked! A relatively positive attitude seemed to make the pregnancy easier. I felt nauseous in the mornings at the beginning. Towards the end, I retained a lot of water most noticeable in my ankles and hands. (Not until after the birth did Chris and I realize how much I retained in my face – pictures right before the birth are evidence of this fact.)

My room, 207, was already prepared and waiting for me when we got to the hospital since I was prescheduled. The plan, according to Dr. Edwards, was to artificially ripen my cervix with a gel that evening and then begin pitocin to start labor. We decided Chris would not spend the night. Instead he would go home and get rest for the big event the next day because, also according to the Dr., the gel would not induce labor (or only does so in about 5% of women).

The rest of what I remember of that evening is pretty uneventful. Dr. Edwards prescribed me a sleeping pill to help me sleep. The 2004 Olympics were taking place in Athens so we watched them until about 11:00 when Chris left the hospital to go home. I remember being anxious and somewhat scared when he left but comfortable because I knew nothing was going to happen until he arrived in the morning and would be by my side.

At about 3:00 in the morning I realized I was having very bad and persistent cramps. When I used the restroom, it was difficult to get up out of my bed and stand up. I attributed it all to the ripening gel however. I can’t remember what time or which order it happened but at about 6:00 a.m. I buzzed for a nurse and told them I was in a lot of pain and possibly wanted an epidural if I was dilated enough. I tried to put off calling Chris because I didn’t want to wake him up and bother him. But when I felt the pain, I just wanted him to be close by me. Eventually I called him but insisted he could shower, eat breakfast and then come. Meanwhile, the nurse checked me and found that I was dilated – in fact, she was surprised because I had actually started labor from the gel. I think this helped me have the anesthesiologist come sooner than later to give me my epidural.

The pain intensified but Chris was still not there when the anesthesiologist came into my room. He administered the epidural right before Chris got there, so when he did and saw how well I was doing, I am sure he wondered why I called him so early in the morning as I appeared to be doing fine.

The rest of the day is more of blur and the time went quite rapidly. In fact, I don’t even remember if or when Chris ate lunch. He napped and sat by the side of my bed throughout the day and we watched the Olympics or news or whatever was on t.v. to distract us. An internal monitor also kept us somewhat occupied. It showed yours and my heart rate while I was having a contraction and so on. I remember feeling pretty content throughout the day. Occasionally a nurse would come and check on me and take my blood pressure, which had gotten high in the last few weeks of my pregnancy prompting me to be restricted to light activity.

Chris’ perception of the day, however was somewhat different. Off and on, nurses would come in and use an instrument on my stomach to stimulate you and make sure you were okay. Dr. Edwards was called early in the morning to see the monitor, and although he was not entirely pleased with the results, he suggested we just keep being monitored. Clearly, there were some concerns but only Chris really picked up on them. Maybe it was the drugs, but I felt I was in good hands and there was nothing to be concerned about. Chris admitted to me afterward, he was deeply concerned but tried to conceal it, knowing it would just add an extra burden on me. For that, I am very grateful. He was so strong, and that is what I relied on.

By the early afternoon, Chris tells me now, he knew there were some complications and a nurse confided in him that I would most likely need a cesarean section because my contractions were not progressing and there was fetal distress on the heart rate. Dr. Edwards appeared again and looked and the results of the monitor and was clearly displeased. I was hardly dilated and the pitocin seemed to cause more harm than good in progressing labor. That is when he stated that a c-section was the next course of action and it should be done relatively soon. Chris and I both knew that Dr. Edwards prided himself on his low c-section rate so when he decided it needed to be done, there were no questions – Chris and I readily agreed and I braced myself.

I was wheeled into the operating room while Chris was getting dressed in scrubs. It all seems like a blur and yet there are some vivid memories. The anesthesiologist was very nice and talked to me a lot and tried to cheer me up. I tried to stay lighthearted and to laugh or smile so as to not concentrate on what was happening. When I would think about it, I would tear up, which was difficult to do when my arms were strapped down and I had an oxygen mask on.

Chris came in and held my hand I remember when the initial incision was made. We were being talked through the whole thing so I remember when you were about to be pulled out of me. Chris held my hand and looked over the screen to see you. He beamed when you came out and was so surprised you had dark hair, he exclaimed to me. I too was VERY surprised that you had dark hair but was more concentrating on the sensations I was having, namely intense shivers, chills, and nausea. Chris brought you over to me after you were cleaned. It was incredible to see both of you. Chris was so excited and happy.

After what seemed longer than the birth, I was wheeled out of the operating room to a recovery room. The next thing I remember is seeing my mom’s face and my dad enter the room. It was a very warm feeling and I was very glad to see them and have them there. They sat and held you and we joked and laughed. It was very lighthearted. Dad and Chris gave me a healing blessing in there too. Chris and you were finally summoned to the nursery where you were weighed and measured. My mom and dad and I anxiously awaited the results in the recovery room.

What's In A Name?

All kids have funny pronunciations of different things and names. To this day, Hadley still pronounces Vincent with a "B" the vast majority of the time. We call him Vincey but she also refers to him as 'Bince' a lot of the time. I've always thought it was cute that Vincent calls his sister "Haddie" and leaves out the L. Two days ago though he shortened her name all on his own and calls her "Had". It is funny how nicknames get started and the natural tendency to shorten names to fewer syllables. I don't even think he knows he is doing it. It sounds so chummy when he calls her "Had" as they are usually doing something together.

I started calling Lauren 'Lor Lor' when she was smaller. Both the kids call her this and Vincent thinks it is funny to call her 'Laurie' too sometimes.

What's Gonna Work? Teamwork.

Sung to the popular WonderPets theme song.

When other moms tell me how wonderfully their kids play together, I watch them but am rarely impressed. Maybe kids play together differently when they are at home but my kids take the cake. Hadley and Vincent play fantastically together! They are aware of one another, they use their imagination with one another, they follow one another around, they rarely bicker. I estimate that I have to break them up maybe about once a week, if that, and never physically. Sometimes siblings just need a break from each other. Granted, Hadley is usually the leader or imagination to the game (she has taught Vincent well though) and they don't always play together but they do always watch what the other one is doing and like to join them. If they go outside to play and Hadley comes in to use the potty, Vincent gets upset and wants her to come back. As I type this, it has gotten a little bit too quiet but I'm not worried, they've been playing something together and I have no doubt that they are still playing very nicely with one another.

I've seen siblings who don't even acknowledge that the other one exists or they taunt one another and are fighting. Sure they both like to do their own thing but for the most part, they miss each other and like playing with one another. When Hadley goes to play dates I don't think Vincent can articulate it but he misses her. I usually try and make up for it and play with him. I hope that he and Lauren can continue with the example that Hadley has set when she starts school in the Fall.

Sometimes I worry that they play too well together. When other kids are over, they just don't seem to understand how to play as well and I see Hadley and Vincent getting frustrated and anxious for the kids to leave so they can pick up their games. Luckily Vincent is easy-going enough to go along and play the games Hadley makes up. And Hadley is learning to 'give' a little artistic freedom to Vincent's ideas and imagination.

Title

One day I read a quote on parenting that said, "The days are long but the years are short." It was a good reminder how so many people tell you how 'they [kids] grow up so fast.' Well, even though I feel like I am in the mix of things right now with a four year old, three year old, 15 month old and one on the way in three months - I have to believe that the years will really be short in comparison to the long days I am experiencing right now.

When discussing this with a good friend and all the 'not so great' stages children go through she told me about a speaker who once said that the scriptures are filled with passages that begin with "and it came to pass". They never say, "and it came to stay". This had such an impact on me - she's right - Hadley did grow out of having to have someone lie with her to fall asleep, she weaned herself from the bottle, she potty trained, Vincent stopped tripping and hitting his head, having Mommy anxiety (I had no private showers for a long time), and all three kids can take a bath together sitting up. Someday they will be able to feed themselves, dress themselves, read to themselves, naps won't be essential to our family schedule. The stages of kids 'come to pass'. I hope I can document these stages and experiences so as to try and extend the years of memories.