Growing Pains

I miss my kids when they are away from me. In fact, I find it difficult to do some of my regular errands when one of my kids is not with us. I have slowly been getting accustomed to doing things without Hadley while she is at a play date. I don't think many people appreciate or can really understand how much I do with all three of the little ones. While it is fun to do a special outing with just one of the kids every once in a while, I'm more afraid about how one of them would feel if they knew what they were missing out on. Today was one of Hadley's many play dates and whenever I drop her off, Vincent asks when he'll get to do play dates. Then I took Vincent and Lauren to the mall where there is a play land that, quite frankly, Hadley is almost too big for, and a little train engine for them to ride. I loved watching them both ride around in it together but I always feel like I am missing a small part of myself when one of my kids isn't with me. I wonder if people assume those are all the kids I have. I worry that they miss out on seeing my entire brood and knowing what a special spirit Hadley is. I wonder if this is how mothers who lose a child feel all the time - in every thing they do, even when their entire earthly family is together.

Obviously I will need to get over this and have started to do so. When we came home, we had lunch and cooked together and I even read to Vincent all alone while Lauren was sleeping. Usually I reserve the time for when I can 'kill two birds with one stone' and read to both of them. But on days like this I try and give Vincent 'only child' or 'first child' attention knowing he will never have the one-on-one that Hadley had with me when she was born.

I miss that I am losing Hadley to other distractions that aren't centered around me and her siblings. I miss that she prefers her play dates over spending time with us, even though I know this is healthy and was inevitable. But I love when she comes home and is happy to be back and I can give her a big hug and tell her I missed her.