Kindergarten

Today Hadley started Kindergarten. Has it finally come to this day? I've always loved the beginning of school when I was younger. I loved the Fall season approaching and back-to-school sales. I imagined today that someday Hadley would one day be leaving home to go to college for the first day of school. I am so confident in her abilities to achieve so much.

I managed not to cry even though I so desperately wanted to. I knew that I would scare Hadley more if I cried or acted anxious so my approach has always been to be very matter-of-fact about school if not excited. I could sense her apprehensions a couple of times as we waited outside for the teacher to let us in the classroom but all in all, I think she was prepared for today to happen.

When I picked Hadley up from school, I wish I could say she ran to me with open arms and a smile with excitement about what they did. But she was very nonchalant and when I gave her a hug and asked how it went her only reply was disappointment that they didn't learn anything (as I had promised) but it was all 'rules rules rules.' And that was it. She didn't want to discuss anything else or talk anymore about her day.

We'll see what tomorrow brings . . .

The night before Chris gave Hadley a beautiful Father's blessing about all the good she can do and the example she can be to others. This is so true of Hadley. She is such a sweet spirit that I miss during the day when she is not around. She entertains her siblings, plays with them and helps me take care of them. My only hope is that school does not spoil her character but strengthens it.

Implosion

Ever felt like you might implode? That is what it feels like to be on the verge of moving to a new house, having a baby, oldest child starting school, oh, and all the while, being pregnant with a bad haircut. All of this is happening within the next three weeks. The reason I feel like I might implode versus explode is because I am on my own in the sense that people can and have offered to help but really, only I can unpack myself or know where to put my things, I have to have the baby myself (especially that darn IV), I am the one that has to juggle the emotions of Kindergarten. I'm trying to take it day by day and not get stressed and actually think that I've done a pretty good job at it. I know that stressing or having anxiety will not help me. My kids have forced me to slow down and just accept that it may take a loooong time to unpack. We'll survive and look back on this period with a sigh of relief.

Thank you everyone for you kind offers of help and sympathy. Know that I appreciate it all. Honestly, the best thing I need is for stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut to be left on my doorstep with a liter of Root Beer.

A Perfect Summer Evening

I try not to feel sorry for myself and my kids that they don't get to spend a lot of time with Chris b/c of his long work hours. Last weekend the kids were so clingy to him - they only wanted him to hold, help, play with them and even tuck them in at night. Part of me felt a little relief from my usual chores but it also made me realize how much they need and want him to be a part of their lives. I appreciate that he tries to spend their waking hours with them.

I use all of this to share a wonderful evening I had with the kids. We went to dinner outside at the Beach Pit BBQ where they could eat, drink fizzy and then play in the little patio area. They always play so nicely and tonight was no exception. Then we decided to go for a walk in downtown Tustin. Just me and my three little ones. They are so good and always hold hands to cross parking lots and wait up for me and Lauren. We went through a little strip mall center by Hadley's old ballet class and explored a cute little office park nestled amongst trestles and gazebos. It was an early summer evening and the kids had a blast walking around and finding new paths and a water feature.

On the way back we passed the ballet studio again where they had opened big sidewalk doors to let in the breeze. Hadley and Vincent stopped to look in and when Lauren heard the ballet music come on she immediately started imitating the dancers and intently stared at them. It was so magical to stand there and watch the three of them mesmerized by the ballet dancers while this beautiful ballet music set the tone for the evening. I love evenings like this. We had so much fun all together - I'm sad that Chris misses out on these and yet somehow I think these are the kind of the experiences that mothers like me get to experience every once in a while to make up for the lack of having 'daddy' there most of the time.

We drove home and went upstairs and put on our pajamas on my bed and all watched a nature show and played around. The kids were in great moods and just enjoyed relaxing all together. There was some giggling, playful wrestling and zlurburts for everyone.

Even Smeven

I love to see my children get excited for one another. I learned this strategy from my sister Kali and her two oldest children. When Kali shopped or found something another child would like she would point it out to the one with her and they would get excited. Kids need to know that everything is not equitable. Sometimes you find the perfect item at a garage sale for one child and not the other. Sometimes you get something, sometimes you don't. Life does not have to be fair - and neither does mom for that matter. But you can make your children hardly notice and look out for one another. It also helps teach your kids to share since you don't have identical items all the time. Hadley and Vincent know that if one gets a new toy, they can be excited because they know they'll get to play with it as well.

I love when my kids see something that their sibling would like and point it out to me. (Even if they beg to get it for them.) Love it. On the other hand, and this happens, I hate when I buy something for one child and the other asks what they get. I realize this is natural but I am also glad that I learned to look for opportunities to teach that life is not all about 'getting'. Imagine all the junk/clutter you would accrue by always trying to make things equal? Let's face it, we all know those type of people who are still keeping track of what they get or don't get versus others. We also know people who are genuinely excited for others' windfalls. I think the first place you can teach this is among siblings.

Some Days

Every mom knows that some days are harder than others. On some days, everyone wakes up at a reasonable hour, everyone is reasonably happy, breakfast goes smoothly, the kids play together, and so on up until bedtime. Everything goes great. These days I feel like supermom. I think I'm a good mom. I go to bed thinking about my children's day and their needs.

Then there are the other days or the days mixed with not so much 'reasonableness'. After these days I go to bed feeling guilty. I think of all the ways I can and should be a better mom. I hate that I take out my own bad moods on my kids. Or that one child can upset me to a degree that I take it out on the others. I try not to do this.

Is there anything that can melt your heart more or make you feel even worse than a child who understands? It isn't because she is the oldest either, but Hadley gets it. I won't get into the ugly details but after telling her I would read her library book tonight everything became unraveled when Vincent stayed awake in his tantrum personality. It wasn't pretty. How I acted wasn't pretty either. I tried with all of my might to just hold him even though I was frustrated. I knew that when I went to bed tonight that is what I would think about and wish I had done, so I did it. It didn't help him, but it will help me go to bed tonight.

Hadley got shafted. What started out as a promising evening became a short one in which she had an early bedtime. In my head I know it is okay because she was tired and needed to go to sleep but in my heart I really want to go and wake her up just to read her the story that I promised. She gets me though. She knows when I am losing my patience and tries her best to help me. I hate that I place that burden or that she feels that burden on her little 4-year old shoulders.

So tonight I'll think about how when she wakes in the morning I will read to her first. I'll remember that I held Vincent tonight even after being upset with him. I have a feeling that someday we'll argue and go our separate ways and I won't have a chance to console or hold my little ones just to let them know that I love them unconditionally. I didn't give in to him but I did hold him and let him know it is okay to be upset with me, I'll hold him anyhow. Here's to a better tomorrow . . .

Another Milestone

Literally as I began to type this entry I heard water trickle in the bathroom. I looked through the crack from the office doorway and saw it was Vincent. Another accident. Two in one day. What I was going to say was . . .

Yay! Vincent is potty-trained. Well, for the most part obviously. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be with him even though he is 2 months past his 3rd birthday. (For records sake - Hadley was trained about a month or so before she turned 3). I guess once I just kept him occupied enough and refused to put anything but underwear on - it worked. We practiced several times before so he knew what to do. I may be celebrating too early but I am so pleased with the ease in transition this has been b/c I dreaded it so much with him and his personality. I'm not even going to worry about nighttime dryness especially considering he still goes to bed with a bottle of milk - I know, I know, so sue me.

So here's to a break from having two babes in diapers for about a month and a half until #4 comes along. While diapers have never bothered me a ton I do feel a sense of financial freedom and even more so, love to see my kids' growing independence. Do mom's ever miss the diaper stage among all the other stages? When their kids don't need them anymore, do they wish for one day they could change their diapers again? I highly doubt it.

Dr. Jekyl & Mr. Hyde

Vincent can be a very sweet, sensitive, fun-loving child or he can be the most frustrating, crabby, loud, uncooperative child. He was not my easiest baby. We found out early on that the only and best way to appease his little 'tormented soul' was to put him in his crib (on his tummy) to sleep. He just wanted/needed to be left alone. I have difficulty in deciphering where he gets these bi-polar personalities because he can also be very sweet and nice and fun to spend time with. I am glad that he is happy and smiling some of the time - whereas he was never a very smiley baby. Maybe that is why I appease him with a bottle, his blankey, anything so that he won't crab or cry on a daily basis. Even potty-training is being put off until I can figure out his rationale or reasoning skills. I guess I just keep wondering when or if he will grow out of his crabby, easily frustrated personality but I should just be glad that he isn't that way all of the time. What if he grew out of his sweet, fun-loving personality?